The Lone Granger
by redheadsarehot
Summary: CRACKFIC! Hermione is engaged to another man and runs into her old flame Ron at a strip club. Zaniness ensues. Excessive purple prose, things that make no sense, bad smut cliches, and lots of crack. *not making fun of one person just writing crack for fun
1. Reunited

Hermione was uncharacteristically nervous. She had never been to a strip club before, but her friends insisted she go for her bachelorette party. In one week she would become Mrs. Nigel Hornblower. She and Ron broke up last year because he said that her feet stink, but he still stuck in the back of her mind to this day.

Her friends pushed her through the door and immediately she was hit with the smell of alcohol and peen. She had never seen a real live penis before and was quite excited to see what all the fuss was about. From the pictures she saw in textbooks, they didn't look all that great…just like a tube worm hanging out of a bird's nest or something. For some reason Ron popped in her mind at that moment, and she found herself wondering what his penis smelled like. Carrots? Cinnamon? She sadly realised that she'd never find out.

After taking a few steps inside, she turned and saw that her friends had gone up to the stage already to watch the half naked men. Hermione decided that she needed a few drinks before she would be able to get the courage to go look at her first penis.

"Scotch on the rocks please!" she yelled at the bartender guy who was staring at Hermione's rack. Her breasts were huge globes of flesh protruding from the top of her low cut dress. The bartender went to work and in a flash she had her drink. She swallowed it down in just a few gulps and ordered another. She drank that one quickly too and her head started to feel swimmy.

"Got something on your mind?" the stereotypical bartender named Woody asked her.

"Yeah I do. I'm getting married in a week but I still can't get my ex off my mind. What ever shall I do? Could I still be in love with him?"

"Well the only way you will ever know is if you find him and fuck him," Woody said. Hermione looked scandalized.

"I haven't even slept with my fiancé yet, how could I possibly have intercourse with my ex boyfriend who, by the way, I haven't heard from in years. I have no idea where he is or how to contact him. Your advice is ludicrous."

"Suit yourself. Go ahead and marry that bloke and never know, I don't give a fuck. Get out of my site you prude. Go get laid."

With that, Hermione spun around and walked quickly away from the bar, almost falling on her face. What did that stupid bartender know? She wouldn't mind sleeping with Ron, but she had no idea where he was or how to find him. When they broke up, his whole family and Harry turned on her and never spoke to her again…all because she had stinky feet. She bought some fast actin' Tinactin to kill the athlete's foot she had, so maybe this time their relationship could work. For now she would take her mind off of Ron be ogling naked men.

She made her way to the stage just as "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilerra came on. One of the dancers stood out from the rest because he was extremely tall. The way the lights shone on the men, you could only see their silhouettes so she couldn't see what they really looked like. She finally made it to the front of the stage. She reached in her purse and pulled out dollar bills to give to the British wizard strippers.


	2. Reconnecting

She had to be hallucinating. There was no way that this masked stripper was Ron. For one, Ron was a bumbling idiot with no brain or confidence according to the deulsionals that thought she should have ended up with Harry. Secondly, he would never degrade himself by taking his clothes of and swinging his cock in women's faces for money. Or would he?

She was pulled out of her thoughts when Ron and the other strippers started their dance. There was a lot of thrusting and gyrating and other naughty movements as they slowly took off each piece of clothing. She even noticed that when the song said '_you gotta rub me the right way',_ the men rubbed their crotches on the conveniently placed stripper poles. Watching Ron do these naughty things made her so wet she thought it might drip down her leg.

He hadn't changed much since she last saw him. He had bulked up a lot, but she could totally still see his hip bones protruding out of his blue g-string. She had the sudden urge to take a huge whiff of his crotch, but she resisted. Finally, it looked as if he was going to take the last piece of clothing off and go completely naked. A fire of jealousy burned in the pit of her stomach as she realised that all of these women were going to see his cock.

Without thinking Hermione jumped up, grabbed Ron's arm, and unceremoniously dragged him off the stage and into the corner. The bouncers followed them and were about to grab her and throw her out when Ron stopped them.

"No it's okay, she's okay. Go back to whatever you were doing," he said as he shooed them away.

"Ron what are you doing? Everyone was about to see you naked!" she said as she grabbed his arms and shook him. He broke free from her grasp and scowled at her.

"Well that _is_ what I get paid for, you know? Gotta make a living somehow. Not everyone has a cushy important ministry job like you."

"What? How do you know what I do?"

"Everyone does! You're in the paper every other week for some big accomplishment. Freeing house elves, discovering a potion to cure werewolves, figuring out Kentucky Fried Chicken's secret recipe. I have kept up with you this whole time."

"You have? Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because I still love you!"

"What? You do not! You said my feet stink!"

"I never said such a thing!"

"Yes you did! Remember that day you were massaging my feet and you said 'Holy shit this fucking stinks' or some such rot. Then I asked what you were talking about and you said that you couldn't wait for it to end! So I stormed out and ended it for you!"

"Are you mental? I was talking about the Cannons match I was listening to you lunatic! Why on earth did you think I was talking about you?" Hermione stared at him in disbelief. All the time they had been apart was because of a stupid misunderstanding? Everything was so overwhelming that she fainted.

When she came to, she had forgotten where she was. Ron's face came into focus and she jumped up, startled. When she looked around she noticed that she was in a different place.

"What happened? Where are we?" she asked, rubbing a sore spot on her head.

"You fainted. Everyone was crowding around and making a fuss, so I brought you in here."

"Um, Ron, what are you planning on doing with me?" she asked when she noticed the chains, whips, and other assorted sexual paraphernalia around the bed she was laying on.

"Oh sorry. This was the only room open. The bed is clean…I think. Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Just a little overwhelmed is all." She finally looked at his face again and an uncomfortable silence followed. "So, um."

"Yeah"

"Mmm Hmm."

"Yup."

"So you don't think my feet stink?" she finally asked.

"I don't think so. I've never really smelled them. But I'm sure they smell great. Want me to smell them now?"

"Okay." Hermione took off her extremely fancy designer Jimmy Choo shoes and lifted her foot up to Ron's face. He took her small foot in his large freckled hands and lifted it to his long nose. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. A smile spread across his face and he opened his eyes. They looked at each other, her chocolate eyes burning into his pools of cobalt.

Ron's eyes somehow magically got darker just because they were full of desire, until they looked almost black. He brought her foot up to his mouth and kissed her arch, making her giggle. He then ran his tongue up her foot and thrust it between her toes. She closed her eyes and laid back on the bed while he continued his ministrations. Who knew Ron had a foot fetish?

Soon he got tired of all the foot nonsense and crawled on top of her. He was still wearing only a blue g-string and his arousal was quite obvious. He moved so that his mouth was right next to her ear and said, "I meant what I said you know. I do still love you."

"And I love you. I bought things to make my feet smell better hoping that you would come back, but you never did." She grabbed his head and pulled it so she could look him in the face.

"I thought you never wanted to see me again. You stormed out and I had no effing clue what happened. I figured you'd come back if you wanted to…but you never did." Ron's eyes were filling with tears as he spoke.

"I'm sorry," she choked out.

"Me too. Lets fuck."

"Okay. But I'm a virgin."

"That's all right, so am I," Ron said and blushed.

Hermione was shocked. "How can you be a stripper and still be a virgin?" she asked, completely taken aback.

"Well, I just kept pining away for you from afar like a pathetic loser while you were off with this other dude, hoping and praying every day that he'd die and you'd realize I'm the only man for you. Isn't that romantic?"

"Oh Ron, you're as romantic as Edward Cullen is when he watches Bella sleep without her knowing! Make love to me!"

Their lips crashed together in a bruising kiss. Hermione opened her mouth and Ron thrust his tongue in. Their tongues were dueling, fighting for dominance, dancing together, insert another tongue kiss cliché here. Hermione could feel his hard cock against her thigh and it excited her.

"You are wearing too many clothes," Ron said huskily as he grabbed his wand that came from nowhere and conveniently banished her clothes. Hermione was pissed off for a second because when you banish something it disappears forever, and she spent a lot of money on her designer outfit that made her boobs look huge, but she soon forgot her anger when Ron pulled out his cock. It was 14 inches long just like his wand and curved a little to the right, probably because he was jerking off too much or something and it caused it to have a permanent curve.

She wrapped her small hand around his huge cock and started to stroke him tentatively.

"Fuck yeah. Now put it in your mouth," he demanded. She liked him being so bossy and obliged at once. Even though she had never sucked a cock before she was somehow already awesome at it. She even deepthroated all 14 inches of him, and his orange pubes tickled her nose. She took a big whiff of his birds nest while she was sucking him off. It smelled like cinnamon and home and all her tomorrows.

He fisted his hands in her hair and started thrusting into her mouth. "FUCK! I'm about to come!" he growled, and she quickly pulled away…but not before he had already jizzed in her mouth some and the rest kind of spurted out on her chin. "Oops. Sorry," Ron said when he finally gained his composure.

"That's all right," she said as she wiped his baby batter from her chin. "It wasn't that bad." He was so relieved that he ducked his head down and captured her lips in another passionate kiss.

"My turn now," he said as he lowered her back down to the bed. "Open those legs for me baby, yeah that's right." Ron slid his hand slowly down her abdomen as he licked and suckled hungrily on her ample breast like a starving newborn at the teat for the first time. He then swirled his tongue around her pebbled nipple and moved his attention to the other breast. She was writhing underneath him, desperate for release.

He finally slid his fingers into her dripping wet sex while still sucking on her tits. Even though Ron had never touched a naked woman before, he automatically knew what to do because he's just that awesome.

"Oh baby you're so wet for me," he said in his sexy Cassanova voice as he pumped three fingers in and out of her pussy. He had to make room for his massive cock to fit later.

"Yes Ron, only for you!" She moaned with pleasure even though huge fingers like Ron's would probably actually hurt a virgin but whatever. His fingers were so long that she could feel them wriggling under her belly button right below her piercing. She moved her hips with the movement of his hand and begged for more, so he lowered his mouth to her mound and attacked her clit with his tongue. This was her undoing and she violently pulled his hair as she screamed his name with her release.

Before she could even compose herself, Ron was on top of her positioning himself between her thighs. "I have to be inside you now or I'll die," he said overdramatically.

"Yes I want you inside me!" Immediately he slid his entire 14 inch cock into her willing cunt and whimpered at how great it felt to be in her tight wet heat. He was sweating with the effort of holding back and not pounding into her. Ron knew she was a virgin and this probably didn't feel nearly as good for her.

Hermione felt pain for approximately 1.2 seconds, but the pain somehow turned into pleasure almost immediately. She wiggled her hips, begging him to move inside her. Ron obliged and she moaned as he pumped his long thick man meat in and out of her. He grabbed her arse and lifted her up as she hooked her legs up around his neck. "YES! YES!" Her screams got louder and he pumped harder, their skin slapping together almost as loud as her screams of pleasure.

He felt her walls clench around his cock, but he wasn't ready to come yet so he continued to fuck her with reckless abandon until she had 5 more orgasms. Finally he started to see stars behind his eyes, felt the telltale tightening of his balls, and exploded violently inside her, filling her with his seed.

Ron collapsed on top of her, exhausted and panting from all the effort. He placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek as his softening member slipped out of her. Like a dam breaking, his spunk spilled out of her like a river. "I've marked you. You're mine now. Time to tell old Hornblower to sod off," he said after admiring the bite marks and hickeys he left all over her chest. "Marry me, Hermione. Let's go get married today. Right now!"

"Settle down Ron. I will marry you, but please let me clean your ejaculate off of me first," she said, reaching for her wand that thankfully wasn't banished along with her clothes. She cleaned them both up with a quick cleaning spell, but looked annoyed.

"What's wrong luv?" he asked, confused.

"Well Ron, you banished my clothes. I can't just walk out of here stark naked! What am I supposed to do?"

"Wait a sec, I'll take care of it." Ron sat up and yanked the pillow out from under her head. "Watch this!" Ron, who always sucked at transfiguration, used his now awesome skills to transfigure the pillow into the most beautiful wedding dress she'd ever seen.

"Oh Ron! It's perfect!" she exclaimed and threw her arms around his neck. "Now do one for you." Ron grabbed a whip from the wall and transfigured it into kickass black dress robes.

"Hey why didn't I just think to do this for the Yule ball?" he wondered.

They shared one more passionate kiss before getting dressed. While pulling on his dress robes, Ron worried about what would happen when Hermione discovered his secret.


End file.
